Green
by TheGirlOfThorns
Summary: Spoilers for CoHF. What would have happened if Jonathan hadn't died in the demon realms? How would Clary, Jocelyn, and Luke adjust to having him in the family? How would everyone else adjust to having him in the group? Rated T because I'm paranoid. I do not own the Mortal Instruments, the quotes, or the characters, Cassandra Clare does. Please R&R! Want feedback!
1. Light

I never asked to be a monster. I never asked to be rejected by my mother, isolated from my sister, or separated by death from my father, the only one who accepted me. I never asked to have any blood flow through my veins except for that of the honourable Morgensterns, but I suppose that we don't always get what we ask for in this or any world. As a demon slayer who is part demon, it's no wonder that my supposed kind hates me- I am not only like them but also the very thing that they are to kill. I am the very thing that I am to kill, but that is not what destiny has in store for me. No, I will be great. I will take everything that is rightfully mine. I will force my sister Clarissa to love me, because I hold her in the palm of my hand as mine and mine alone to love. I will raise hell because God knows I cannot raise heaven. And as I rule over this beautifully carved shadow that is the demon realm it will be my sister who takes the throne next to me. That is one thing that I have always known, one thing that I have always wanted.

I look up at her now, sitting in the bone throne that I pictured her in so many times before this very moment. She is beautiful. _My sister, my queen._ Her lovely red hair shimmers in the dim light that illuminates what otherwise is a room swallowed by darkness. Her green eyes remind me of all that I could be if I were not born into a life of sin and cold, simmering hatred. My eyes are pitch black, but I wonder what colour they would be if they had any hue. I wonder if they would have the same glimmer as my queen's. It doesn't matter now, though. I have everything that I want. I have Clarissa. I have this world.

I will my sister to say something, to do something. She is my possession. She is mine alone to love. She will listen to my internal pleas because that is her place in this realm, in any realm. I am her brother and I have taught her to love me. She leans into me. As she slowly presses her lips to mine, she tastes of strawberries but also of strengths, of sugar but also of the pain that she has endured to bring her to this moment. The pain that she has endured to become my queen. The pain that she has endured to gain the satisfaction of driving her dagger into my back, burning me out from the inside. I never asked to be a monster, but now I was paying the price for exactly that. The last thing I remember seeing was the black that surrounded me as I fell to the ground.

It was as if I had been asleep, just risen from a bad dream. Here I am lying on the ground of the shithole that he created, the dystopia that he had once believed to be a paradise. He is someone entirely different from who I am now, the newborn man sprawled across bone and dirt. I would never do something like this. I would never hurt anyone like this. Let alone my sister… let alone Clary. I guess that's why it hurts me so much inside when she leans over me with a look of curiosity and queer fascination on her face, as if studying an animal, and breathes the name of the one person I hate the most.

"Sebastian…"

"No, I'm not him. I'm- Jonathan," I choke out, trying not to let Clary see how pathetic a death I am about to die. "I'm Jonathan." I want her to see me for who I am just once, just this one time, before I die.

"Go to Sebastian!" I hear an Endarkened Shadowhunter scream, and suddenly I am aware of the chaos that is around me. I look around myself, trying to decide what to do as I lay here breathing my dying breaths and watching these monsters that I have created race towards Clary screaming to kill her. I order them to retreat, and they look shocked. Confused, but obedient. They stop attacking her. And suddenly…

"Mother?" Jocelyn, the woman that he hated more than anyone, is standing in front of me. She knealt before me and I choked out the only words that I could utter. "I know that there is nothing I could say or do now that would allow me to die with even a shred of grace, and I would hardly blame you if you cut my throat. But I am… I regret. I'm… sorry." I ramble on for a few minutes, trying to give my mother all of the information that I can in my dying moments. I am not a real person- I am only the shadow of someone that could have existed, so I should not be mourned for. As soon as I die, the Endarkened will rush at her and Clary as well as their friends, and there is nothing I can do to prevent that. I have regret, so much regret… and so much pain that I will carry with me to wherever it is that fallen angels go after they die. I do them one last favor while I still can- destroy the army that he who I am a shadow of had created. I tell them that there is no way to get out of this realm. Sebastian never did anything but lie, but I will tell the truth, even if it is an ugly truth.

I talk for a few minutes about the beautiful dreams I had, the ones where I am almost human. The dreams where I have a family and a life and know how to love and people know how to love me. Dreams where I am the man I asked to be, not the demon blood that ruined me even before I was born. All I can think of the whole time is how light I felt, with the pressure of the pain and the sorrow and the force of evil that acted as a paperweight on my soul the whole time. _I've never felt so light… _maybe I said it out loud. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Because as soon as I closed my eyes, I felt my mouth go up into a smile, the only time I ever would do that as myself.


	2. Forgiveness

_I know you hate me._

_No, I hate Sebastian. I don't know you._

I jolted awake and looked around myself. I was in a small room with wooden planked floors, with nothing but the bed I lay in and a nightstand next to me with my box on it. Someone had drawn a rune on my shoulder like one I had never seen before; something like an iratze, but stronger looking. It glowed with the same fire that had almost killed me before, but for some reason I felt safe here. I rested my head back on the soft pillow that someone had laid down for me and relaxed. Staring at the ceiling, I remembered all that he had done. I wish I didn't remember. I remembered the fight with Jace and the death of my father. I remembered the murder of Max Lightwood at his hand. I remember Sebastian binding Jace to himself and I remember his hand forcing his to kill. I remember him trying to rape my sister, I remember him believing in her as a possession that he could do whatever he pleased with and trying to force her hand at being the queen of hell. I remember him threatening to kill her friends, threatening to make them all Endarkened…

…and at that moment the door opened, and I was staring the girl whom that former shadow of myself believed to be his queen. Clary's face was red, her eyes were puffy, as if she had been crying. I made eye contact with her, and the look of pure untainted misery on her face turned to one of shock. Pain and shock.

"Are you alright?" I asked. Then, almost immediately after, because I had to know… "Where am I?" Clary continued to look me square in the eye and say nothing. I guess I couldn't blame her; if someone was as terrible as I was, had done the things that I Sebastian- me, I suppose, to her- had done, I would never want to speak to me again either. Eventually, though, Clary's face softened as she realized that I was not going to hurt her and she began to speak.

"This is my house. This… is the guest room." She was curt with her words to me, she spoke no more than that, but rather sat down on the floor next to me and began to fold blankets. It was a start. Even if she didn't want to talk to me, her not running screaming from the room was certainly a sign of positive progress.

"You never answered my first question." Maybe if I showed her that I actually cared about her, things would be better between the two of us. Maybe, if I showed her that I wanted to be the big brother that she wanted me to be, she would be able to accept me with open arms.

"I'm okay, Sebastian. I'm fine." She didn't look fine.

"I'm not him. I'm… Jonathan…"

"I know. If you were him, I would never have brought you here."

I was startled. Clary brought me here? Clary, whose life he had made so miserable, brought me here? "Why?" I asked her, beginning to piece it together as I looked down at the firey iratze on my flesh. "Why would you save me, after I had sinned so badly?"

Clary was no longer folding the blankets, for that had been done with. Rather, she sat on the floor next to my bed, eyes closed, looking exhausted. I can imagine why. I would be exhausted, too, after all that's gone on in these past couple months. Examining her further, after her long period of silence with no answer, I began to think that my questions were futile. I was almost certain that my sister was asleep. Suddenly, however, she was drawn back into reality.

"Remember the time when you asked me if you thought that there could be forgiveness for someone like you?" Her eyes were still closed, but I could see that she was fighting tears anyway.

"That wasn't me," I insisted. I would not be mixed up with the monster that I once was. "That was-"

"Sebastian. Yes. I know. But you remember it all the same." She said this as a statement, not as a question. I continued to look at her in front of me, her eyes still closed and her expression still bleak. "When we left the demon realm, I brought you with me because I believe there can be. I drew that iratze because I believe there can be. I snuck you into my house because I believe there can be. Even after everything, I believe. After watching you kill so many, I believe. After losing my best friend…" she choked back tears. _The Daylighter? What happened to the Daylighter? _

"I… believe."

"Why would you believe something like that?" Even I believed that I couldn't be forgiven. I had done so much wrong. I didn't believe it, and I did not see why Clary could. She hesitated.

"Your eyes are green. Like they were in my dream."

And with that she picked up the blankets and put them on the edge of the bed that I lay on, all I could do is wonder what I had done to deserve this kind of faith.


	3. Tears

In my dream, we were all there. I sat next to Clary in the grass, her twirling her right finger through the flowers growing around her and her left hand twirling itself around the Morgenstern ring, the endless loop that Jace had given her that not only spoke of severed family but also spoke of eternity for the two of them. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, a smile that came so easily to me now that I was able to feel human. Clary, my sister. Clary, my family. Clary… Clary…

Clary. Where was my sister? Then I remembered that she had brought me here, she was the sole reason for which I had my life, she left me these blankets when everyone else had left me in the cold. I lay in bed, waiting for my body to stop aching from the fire that had eaten Sebastian out from inside me. I waited. I waited. Finally the pain subsided enough that I was able to stand up. I was hungry, anyway, and it must have been nearing lunchtime. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and put them on the floor. As I stood, I wobbled a little bit, but I got to my feet successfully. I looked down at myself.

My wounds, they were bad. Because of what I had been, I was used to healing quickly- honestly, nothing in the world could really faze Sebastian. But now I healed more slowly, more painfully than I previously had. The eratze should have fixed it, I thought, but I was cut open by a blade of heavenly fire so it was possible I would have to heal slowly and tediously, like a mundane.

My only solace was that my blood was red and human, not the inky black colour that it had been before.

Somehow, I knew my way around Clary's house. My house, I supposed, because I was her brother, but then why would they want to take me in after all that he had done to them, to their friends and their family? I certainly wouldn't graciously accept me as a member of the family, either. For now, though, I was just hungry. I staggered to the refrigerator and curled my fingers around the handle… and at that moment heard a giant thud. I turned to see an easel on the floor and the terrified, blank expression of Jocelyn Fray. My mother.

"Mother…?" I asked her. I reached out to her, tried to show her a gesture of kindness as so she would not fear me. I was not an animal to be feared; I was the son that she never had because of circumstances beyond her control. She could trust me, for I was not the monster that he had once made me act as. I smiled at her as kindly as I could, but she stepped back anyway. She didn't even seem to notice the broken easel that lay by her feet.

"Don't…" she whispered. "What…" Jocelyn was having trouble finding the correct words to express herself. I didn't know what she was trying to tell me, but I got the idea that she didn't want me to touch her, to get near her. So I retracted my outstretched palm and instinctively balled it into a lose fist and let it hang at my side.

"Thank you for letting me stay here." I tried not to sound rigid, but I was upset. Clearly, although she had taken me in, Jocelyn was not about to welcome me into her home, let alone as a part of her family.

"I didn't let you stay here! I don't know what you're doing here. I was unaware that you were even still alive. So tell me, Sebastian. What are you doing here? What is your business with me and my daughter? Here to try to kill us again, or…" Jocelyn exploded at me. She continued to scream at me and scream at me, seeing me but unable to see who I truly am.

"Mother," I said, feeling for the first time in my life like I was going to cry but trying to keep my voice steady and unwavering. "You know how Clary saved me, right? Well, I…" No, not I. "She did that because I'm not Sebastian. I'm not the monster that tried to hurt you or her or Luke or your…"

"Clary did not bring you here. There is no way."

"Mother, she saved my life. She…"

"You will not call me mother!" Jocelyn was surprisingly sharp. "You are not my child! No child of mine would have done the things that you have. What you did was unforgiveable! You…"

"It wasn't me who did all those things!" The lump in my throat was beginning to feel like it would burst. Human emotion when understood fully was a peculiar thing.

"Oh, I suppose that you never hurt anyone, then?"

I didn't answer. Jocelyn's pupils were tiny within her eyes. Her green eyes…

"Look at my eyes," I tell her. "Look at the colour of my eyes." I had not yet seen the way my eyes looked, but I believed Clary when she told me of their colour. I believed Clary, for she and she alone had saved my life when it was now apparent to me that everyone else would have more than gladly let me die. Clary brought me here, gave me a home, gave me warmth when no one else would. She hid me from my mother who hated me, who was now looking at me with more scorn than I had ever seen on anyone's face in my entire life.

"Yes, green." She said curtly. I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe that meant something. "I don't care. Nothing ever can make up for what you did."

I stopped. I had no response to that. I didn't believe that I deserved forgiveness, either; only my sister had told me she believed that.

"Get out of my house." Jocelyn said softly. "Get out of my house and never come back."

Her words cut me, but I understood what she was telling me.

"Yes, mother. In any case… I'm very sorry. For everything."

Jocelyn looked at me sharply again. "You liar," her face was coloured with a look of pure hatred, "I should have killed you in your crib when I had the chance."

That was it, apparently. That was the last straw. I turned around and ran out the front door, for the first time in my life feeling hot tears stream out of my green eyes, down my cheeks, and then mixing with the red blood that my shirt had soaked up as I healed.

_**Sorry for the sad chapter, guys... in any case, I really would appreciate if you would R&R! I've really enjoyed writing this story so far, and of course this is only the beginning of Jonathan's story (: I hope you've enjoyed the ride with me thus far and continue reading!**_


	4. Forgotten

It was a beautiful day outside. If I didn't have anywhere to live, which it looked at the moment like I didn't, I was glad that at least the weather was nice and I could rest assured that I wasn't going to be struck by lightning. I had finally pulled myself together and stopped crying like a child and was now sitting on a park bench in the middle of Central Park. From the new heuristic I had gained, the new perspective through which I was now seeing the world, New York City was actually a much different place than I had thought it was. Since everything that wasn't sin or himself irritated the person that I used to be, this was the first time in my entire life that I really got to appreciate the beauty that was around me, the grass and the trees and the skyscrapers and the bustling livelihood of the city. And yet… loneliness gnawed at me. My mother had held me in my arms when she thought that I had died, had accepted me as a part of the family at that moment. What happened to all that? Was Jocelyn, regardless of knowing that I was a different person, the son she never had, still scared of me?

I didn't blame her. Once upon a time, Sebastian had almost killed her fiancé. Sebastian had held her captive. He had taken her daughter, hated her, threatened to kill her. That wasn't something that could just be instantly forgotten with a simple tint of green and a promise of difference, an oath of change. I closed my eyes and listened to all the sounds around me, trying to drown out my thoughts.

A mother called after her child to wait for her to catch up.

A little boy laughed as his sister grabbed him and started to tickle him, unable to control his hysterics.

A boy called out the words, "Yo, Simon. I think this looks like a good spot."

Simon…? That was the Daylighter's name, wasn't it? I opened my eyes and looked out across the lawn and across the bed of flowers, and sure enough, the Daylighter stood there with three other boys. Except… he wasn't really the Daylighter. He couldn't be. His cheeks were flushed; he did not have fangs poking out from the sides of his mouth and to top it all off, next to the guitar that he had lain down in the grass he began to open a sandwich and eat it. It was the Daylighter, but it appeared that he was no longer a Daylighter. I decided that I would go over and see how he was doing. I owed him an apology, after all.

As I approached, the Daylighter turned to look at me with a dazed and confused expression. I held up my hand and waved a little bit. It was strange to see him, so uncanny to be here with him in the middle of this tranquil park as the man that I was now. "Hey, Daylighter," I began, "What's going on with you?" He gave me a weird look.

"Daylighter?" He appeared as if he had no idea what I was talking about. His friends just kind of sat and looked at me too. "I'm sorry, but I really don't know what you're talking about." He looked remorseful. "Have we met somewhere before?"

I stared at him intently. I looked down at myself. I know I looked different than Sebastian- softer, with less of an edge, a rounder jawline, and the obvious green eyes, but I really didn't look that different. I wasn't unrecognizable, anyway. And there was certainly no way that he didn't remember me after all the trouble I had caused him.

I decided to answer anyway, even if it was just to humor him.

"Jonathan. Remember? You followed me to hell and, apparently, back again." I chuckled. He had to be joking around with me because it was easier than simply facing me. "I just came over here to say hello and apologize for all the trouble I've caused. Clary's mom- my mom kicked me out, if it makes you feel any better." At this, I began to feel a lump form in my throat again, but I quickly pushed it down. "I just think that you deserve better than the way I treated you. And for that…" I looked down at my shoes. The Daylighter looked extremely confused and scratched at his temple.

"Trouble? What trouble? Who's Clary? What's a Daylighter? Who are you?" He looked like he was digging deep into his mind, but with no avail.

"Duuuuude," one of his friends said, "What trouble. Sounds like a good band name." The other two friends agreed that, from here on out, their band would be called "What trouble." I elected to ignore them. They were stupid, and anyway, something was clearly going on with the Daylighter.

"You really… don't remember?" I asked him. I was starting to believe that he wasn't joking around with me.

"…Remember what?"

"Me! Clary! Hell! Being a Daylighter!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He looked like I was making him feel uncomfortable. I probably was, I realized. To him I was just some stranger.

"I'm sorry." It wasn't a lie, I was sorry. And I needed to end this awkward conversation before he started to really get the creeps. "I must have mistaken you for someone else."

And then I turned around and walked back to my spot on the park bench, wondering how fate could have been so cruel.

_**I read the reviews about how people seemed to think that Jocelyn was harsh with Jonathan in my last chapter. And yes, I agree, she was! I just think it would be unrealistic for her to instantly accept him as the son she never had. I think that it would be a trial for them both to become family. I'm going to explore more into the Jocelyn that we saw last chapter as well as the Jocelyn that held Jonathan as he died, believe me. Just wait! Anyway, more Clary next chapter. And maybe Simon, I like where this is going with him. What do you guys think of my inclusion of Simon? Lemme know in reviews if you'd like more of him!**_


	5. Defense

After a while of sitting on the bench and contemplating possible explanations for my strange encounter with the Daylighter, I finally caved and listened to the snarling contractions of my stomach. Since I only had five dollars that had strangely crept their way into my pocket by unknown means, I headed over to Taki's diner where I knew that I could find something fairly inexpensive. I also knew that it would be crawling with Shadowhunters and Downworlders, but I was so hungry and honestly knew that that was the only place where I would be able to buy anything with my limited funds. When I walked in, though, I instantly regretted coming. Shadowhunter and Downworlder alike turned to stare at me with hateful expressions. It was clear that I wasn't welcome there, and even more clear that they had not forgotten the monster that was Sebastian Morgenstern. The monster that was me. Carefully, I walked to a small corner booth where I thought that I would be the least bothered. But still, I could hear it. But still, it continued. The whispers, the sideways glances, the piercing, chilling eyes of so many different colours shooting in my direction like the fire from the dagger that Clary had used to drive Sebastian out of me.

"Isn't that Sebastian Morgenstern?"

"Don't look too long- he might kill you."

"I was hoping that the Clave might sentence him to death, but I guess not."

"I thought he was already dead."

"I heard that he burns down animal shelters for fun and lights his cigarettes with orphans."

"Let's go home."

Great. Everyone hated me. Not only did people hate me, I thought, not only did they not want to be in the same vicinity as me, but they wanted me to die as I had apparently not done so already. And then, another voice, much closer to me than all the other whispers…

"Jonathan? What are you doing here? Why aren't you at home?"

I turned around and saw Clary standing there, with Jace about three feet behind her. He didn't look too surprised; she must have told him about me. I supposed I was probably an unwelcome intrusion on their date.

"I was hungry," I said by way of an explanation. I really hoped that they wouldn't ask any more questions. "I came here to have dinner."

"Did mom give you money?" Clary's expression was growing more and more confused. "Did you talk to her at all?" For a second I was tempted to lie, to tell her that everything was fine and I would be home soon and to enjoy the rest of their date. But what would I say to her when I never returned home that night, never returned home again? No, I needed to tell her. Besides, my days of lying and pretending to be something I'm not were over. I wasn't going to pretend to be a hero anymore, because I wasn't one. I was just me, Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, the boy that had killed and the boy that had nowhere else to go.

"Sit down," I commanded. "I have a lot to tell you about today."

I told my sister and her boyfriend everything, from my encounter with Jocelyn to the park to the Daylighter to my hunger to why I came here and my instant regret. At the part about the Daylighter, Clary's face contorted and Jace had to put his arm comfortingly around her. I understood; I was able to piece together, at this point, that they were no longer friends because the Daylighter didn't have the faintest idea who she was. I wonder how that happened, but I thought it probably had something to do with me and therefore didn't want to ask.

"You could come to the Institute," Jace told me. "They'd have to take you in."

Clary shot back, "Jace. After the crimes that Sebastian has committed against the Clave? No way. He'd be tried for so many crimes, Jace. The Clave can't know about this. They'll kill him."

"Jocelyn's already seen him. She could so easily report him. And besides," Jace's words were sharp, "he's in the middle of the restaurant most heavily populated by Shadowhunters and Downworlders. Someone is bound to say something."

Shit. I hadn't thought of that. I was so stupid to not think that I would be captured by the Clave, stupid to think that this wouldn't come back to haunt me. I was in so much trouble. Only…

"They aren't even his crimes," Clary choked out. "They're Sebastian's." And with that, she took me by the arm and pulled me up. "There's food at home. I'll talk to mom. You can stay with us. I can help you. She won't turn you in… you're gonna be okay. I'll stand up in front of the Clave if I have to, as someone affected by Sebastian's actions. So will Jace."

"I will?" Jace looked surprised.

"Yes. I know you will, Jace. You'd do anything for me, anything for my brother…" She leaned in to kiss him. I felt uncomfortable to be there for what was clearly an intimate moment, but I really didn't have a choice. "And I would do anything for you too, Jace, if you needed it."

And pulling away from their kiss, I knew that she was right. She and Jace would do anything for each other. That was just the kind of love they had. That was just the kind of love that I would never have with anybody.


End file.
